Grief and Hope
The text comes in. Then the phone call where your child, now grown, tells you they no longer believe what you’ve spent their whole life teaching them. They’ve embraced a worldview so different from yours that you struggle to recognize the person speaking the words. Maybe it’s gender ideology. Maybe it’s a complete rejection of faith. Maybe it’s a political or philosophical framework that feels at odds with everything you hold dear.
And your heart breaks.
If you’re a parent walking through this, let me say this first: your grief is legitimate. You’re not grieving a death, but you are grieving—grieving the future you imagined, grieving the shared faith you thought you’d have, grieving the conversations you thought would happen. That loss is real, and you need permission to feel it deeply.
But I want to tell you something else too: this is not the end of the story. It may feel like it. But God is still at work, even when—especially when—you cannot see it.
First, grieve. Don’t rush past this. Don’t spiritualize it too quickly with “God is in control” (He is, but you still need to cry). Talk to trusted friends. Find a counselor or spiritual leader. Join a prayer group focused on praying for prodigals. Debra McNinch’s Battle Cry and her prayer communities have helped countless parents process this exact pain—parents whose children have walked away from faith into ideologies and worldviews that feel deeply opposed to everything they taught. These parents understand your kind of heartbreak. You don’t have to grieve alone.
Second, hold hope. Not false hope that your child will immediately come back. Not the kind of hope that denies the seriousness of what’s happened. But the kind of hope that remembers: God changes hearts. God can work in ways you cannot predict or control. A parent’s faithfulness in prayer and love may bear fruit you never see in this lifetime—but that doesn’t mean it’s fruitless. Our prayers matter. (James 5:16). We’ve heard testimonies of people who have come to Christ long after the person who had been praying for them had died. Your prayers today are never lost. God hears and is working. Keep hoping and praying.
What We Can Do
At first, most parents say they feel numb, but there comes a time when we want to do something, anything to help the situation. We can’t make it go away, but what can we do?
Stay relational. This is hard. It’s tempting to cut off contact, to use your love or disapproval as leverage. But that closes doors. Instead, stay in relationship even when it hurts. Keep conversations going. This doesn’t mean agreeing with beliefs you think are false. It means loving your child without conditions. It means being there for them. It means family dinners and birthday calls and “I miss you” texts. A parent who stays present—who doesn’t withdraw love as punishment—keeps a door open that ideology cannot permanently close.
If your child has cut off contact, one mom shared that she wrote letters. Some she sent, some she kept and will later give them to her child at the right time. She reached out however she could because even if her son never reads a single one of the letters, he knows she’s thinking of him and is open to reconnecting.
Listen before you speak. When you do talk, resist the urge to correct or argue. Instead, ask genuine questions: “Why does this matter to you? What problem are you trying to solve? What would have to change for you to see this differently?” You may be shocked to discover that beneath the ideology is a legitimate concern—about justice, about belonging, about making sense of pain. You don’t have to agree with their solution to honor their concern. But when they feel truly heard, they’re more likely to listen to you.
Don’t recruit allies to convince them. This is so tempting, but we all cringe when we see other people do it or characters on TV do it. So, why do we think it might work for us? You want to stage an intervention with their siblings, get their favorite aunt to talk to them, send them articles that “prove” they’re wrong. Please resist this temptation. This almost always backfires. It feels to your child like ganging up. It feels like you’ve made their beliefs a family crisis rather than a difference of opinion. It may push them further away. If your child is willing to talk with you one-on-one, that’s the sacred space to protect.
Pray. Specifically. Consistently. Pray for their eyes to be opened to truth. Pray for their heart to be softened. Pray for humility in yourself—that you might see where you’ve been rigid or unkind. Pray for wisdom in how to stay connected. Pray for other believers to cross their path and plant seeds. Pray without ceasing, and don’t lose hope even when prayer feels like the only thing you can do. It is the most powerful thing you can do.
Stay in God’s Word. This is your place of refuge, strength, and comfort. With grief and fear, it is often hard to focus on the words you’re trying to read and process. It may help to listen to the Bible sometimes. Most apps will read the passage to you. More than ever, when walking through seasons like these, we need God’s word to fill our hearts and minds.
Examine yourself. This is difficult and tender work. But at some point, you will want to ask yourself (and maybe your child): Did I teach my child what to think, or how to think? Did I create space for questions, or did I shut down doubt? Was my faith attractive because it was real and joyful and humble, or did it feel like a list of rules and judgments? Did I listen to their concerns, or did I dismiss them? This isn’t about taking blame for their choices—they are responsible for what they believe. But it’s about seeing clearly where your own parenting might have contributed to their openness to other worldviews. This clarity helps you parent differently with your younger children, and it also helps you approach your adult child with genuine humility rather than defensiveness.
The Long View
Your child may come back to faith. They may not, at least not in the way or timeframe you hope. They may spend years in this ideology and then, through a crisis or a conversation or simply the work of the Holy Spirit, begin to question. Or they may hold these beliefs for the rest of their life. We don’t get to control that outcome.
What we can control is whether we remain faithful in love and prayer. What we can control is staying relational even when it breaks our heart. What we can control is continuing to model a faith that is real, joyful, humble, and true—a living testimony to a different way.
The apostle Paul told Timothy: “ And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth,” (2 Timothy 2:24-25, ESV). Notice that even in correction, we must be gentle. The hope of repentance is God’s work, not ours. Our work is gentleness, kindness, and continued faithfulness. With God, every confrontation or instruction leaves the door open for reconciliation. Our hearts and focus should be the same – to leave that door open.
Resources for This Season
- Debra McNinch’s Battle Cry and her prayer groups (https://www.debramcninch.com/battlecry) are specifically designed for parents whose children have walked away from faith. These aren’t quick fixes; they’re faithful companions for the long journey.
- Natasha Crain’s books, particularly Keeping Your Kids on God’s Side, can help you understand the worldviews your child may have embraced and how to think about them biblically.
- Find a counselor or spiritual leader who understands both grief and faith. This season may require more support than your regular community can provide.
- Join or start a prayer group specifically for parents of prodigals. There is profound comfort in knowing you’re not alone in this.
- The last two weeks, our podcast Sparking Everyday Discipleship has discussed this topic as well. Debra McNinch and Hannah Prewett share their stories and struggles as well as how God has carried them through.
- Melissa Dougherty did a great episode on YouTube that helps clearly explain the two worldviews prominent in our culture today. It may help in gaining a better understanding.
- Dr. Christopher Yuan’s and his parents’ testimony: A Life Story of a Gay Son, Finding God.
A Final Word
You are not a failure. Maybe I should have put that in the first paragraph because this weighs heavily on our minds when we go through something like this. Remember, your child’s choices are not a reflection of your worth as a parent. God sees your faithfulness even when you can’t see fruit. Hold on to hope—not the hope that everything will turn out exactly as you imagined, but the hope that God is still God, that He still loves your child more than you do, and that He is still at work even in the silence. And as you walk through this, God’s grace is sufficient. He is with you, and he will carry you. As always, pray for wisdom because we all need his wisdom especially in seasons like these.
Grieve. Pray. Stay relational. And trust God with what you cannot control.