I am always on the lookout for a rancher husband for my older daughter and an athletic adventurer for my younger (applications being taken now-LOL, not serious.), and I tease my sons I’m going to get them each a mail-order bride. As an official member of the Mama Bear Club, I am often tempted to try to control situations or make things happen, especially when I am concerned that my children may never get married (and I may never have anything but granddogs and grandplants).
I pray for my children and their future spouses, and I do trust that God has his plan that he is working out in each of their lives, but sometimes, I’m tempted to nudge the timeline along a little bit. I refer to that temptation as The Sarah Syndrome. But here’s where I have to be honest with myself: there’s a difference between caring deeply about our children’s futures and trying to orchestrate them. And there’s an especially dangerous difference between our maternal instincts and God’s design.
In case you don’t remember the story or understand the reference: Sarah, in Genesis 16, is concerned because she has not had any children to give Abraham an heir, so she suggests that Abraham take Hagar, her Egyptian servant, as a wife. She gets pregnant and has Ishmael. The next year, God opens Sarah’s womb when she is 90 years old, and she has Isaac (Genesis 17-18). Sarah tried to help God out, and in the process, she interfered with God’s plan resulting in one of the biggest and longest conflicts that has plagued our world for centuries.
Our choice to give into the temptation to “help God out” has consequences. We must resists the temptation because we are not God. His ways are not our ways. So, when we are tempted or worried about our children’s futures and their spouses we think they may never find, we should do these instead:
Pray:
My friend Debra McNinch, author of Battle Cry and this week’s guest on the podcast often says, “No one prays for a child like their mother.” Prayer is powerful, and it also ministers to our hearts and minds when we are worried or tempted. We must pray, and pray often. We need to let God minister to the concerns and temptations, and we can learn to rest in God’s timing.
Trust God and Our Children:
God knows what he’s doing in our children’s lives, and our children will find their own way in their lives. We need to stay out of the way and trust God’s work in their lives and God’s plan and timing. And we need to let our children know that we trust them and know that in that timing, God will work out his plan in their lives.
Never Compromise God’s Word and Ways:
I cannot emphasize this one enough. I have so many friends whose lives were radically affected by their mother’s interference and compromising God’s Word and ways. Some Moms I know said it was okay for their children to live together before marriage since they were engaged. Some even pushed them to have premarital sex before they were engaged because the mom was sure this person was “the one.” Other Moms I know of encouraged their daughters to marry non-Christians even though the daughters were believers. The consequences of these choices may not have resulted in major world powers hating one another, but it has resulted in children being pulled between two parents who disagree on faith, are divorced, or have abused them.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. (Proverbs 3:5-7, ESV)
Let me tell you what this looks like in real life:
One of my friends is determined to stay married, but she and her child mostly live a life separate from the unbelieving father her mom told her to marry. The connection between the parents can never be what she dreamed marriage would be like because they do not have the same worldview.
Another friend was beaten and left with her child when the abuse began being directed toward the child. She’s raised her child alone but kept the child safe.
A friend was forced to have an abortion by her husband when she got pregnant for the third time in their marriage. As an unbeliever, he saw nothing wrong with killing their unborn babe, but she carried the scars and grief for the rest of her life. He had said she could attend church and raise their children in church before they were married, but then he changed his mind. She could attend some things, but he forbade her to take the children for years. Thankfully, God did soften his heart later in the marriage so the children could attend church with their mother.
Another friend moved in with her boyfriend at her mother’s urging even though it went against what she believed. She wound up broke, betrayed, abused, and nearly killed in the time leading up to the marriage and within the marriage. Now, she lives alone, trying to get back on her feet and rebuild her life, but she is trusting God and walking in him daily even though life is really hard.
My heart breaks when I see that our choices as Mothers set up our children for failure and pain. We’re tempted to interfere because we want to help them avoid pain and loneliness, yet the results are often that we brought on what we feared. Our children deserve better. They also deserve parents who do not compromise God’s Word and acknowledge that God’s will is our priority, obedience is not optional, and we are determined to set an example as true disciples following Christ faithfully.
As mothers, we have the opportunity to model what it looks like to trust God even when it’s hard, even when we’re scared, even when the world tells us we should fix it ourselves. That is the legacy I want to leave my children. Fellow Mama Bears, are you with me?
So then, brothers , stand firm and hold to the traditions that you were taught by us, either by our spoken word or by our letter.
(2 Thessalonians 2:15, ESV)