The Sacred No: Prioritizing Relationships in a World of Endless Invitations

By Terrie Hellard-Brown

I’ve been a pastor’s wife for almost 40 years. In my early years, I was a people pleaser, and I found it almost impossible to say no when someone asked me to help with something or even be in charge of planning something. The truth is, I love ministry and planning events. However, I’ve learned over the years, as Henry Blackaby reminds us in Experiencing God, not every open door is from God.

When we lived in Taiwan, the ministry needs were amazing, but we could have been busy 24/7, literally, and still had more opportunities coming our way. Learning to discern which opportunities God wanted us to take and which to say no to was not easy.

Most of us who love people, ministry, and hospitality struggle with the sacred no. I say “sacred” because it is God-directed. We aren’t saying no just because we don’t want to be bothered. We are saying no because we know God is leading us to say no, or maybe we just know we have nothing left to give. Sometimes God gives us the wisdom to see when we are about to burn ourselves out.

The beauty of this kind of no is that it is based in love. That may seem really strange to hear, but it is. If I say yes to every opportunity when I should have said no, I need to realize two things:

1.) I’m taking that opportunity and blessing away from someone who is supposed to do that ministry

2.) I can’t give my best because I’m stretched too thin.

Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. (Colossians 3:23, NLT)

When we say yes and do the ministry that God is calling us to do, we can work at it recognizing we are serving the Lord. When we overcommit and take on things God never intended for us to do, we find our attitude may shift into obligation. We can lose our joy, and we find it hard to keep our enthusiasm for the work. Plus, we are setting a bad example for new believers and our children. What are we teaching others when we are working ourselves to death, especially if we’re grumbling along the way?

So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. (Galatians 6:9, NLT)

There’s something amazing about serving where you are called by God. Even when we don’t see many results for our efforts, we keep going because we can’t imagine doing anything else. There’s a difference when we’re doing something, and we recognize it’s not working. We pray about it and regroup, possibly deciding to do something else. However, when we know that God is calling us to keep planting seeds, keep encouraging, keep working, even when no one seems to care or respond, we keep working. He encourages our hearts and lets us know we need to keep on working, and we find energy we didn’t know we had. What kind of example are we setting when we keep serving with joy and enthusiasm regardless of the outcome? What do our children and other believers learn about bearing fruit?

If you are wise and understand God’s ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom. (James 3:13, NLT)

When we say yes, it should be a decision made in humility. Pride is always trying to mess us up, it seems. When we want to say yes, but we know we should say no, sometimes it is pride prompting us to overcommit. We need humility and wisdom as we discern God’s will and plan for our lives. He gave us all the same number of hours each day, and we do not honor him by working ourselves to death, ignoring our families, and not having time to spend with him in prayer and Bible study because we are too busy doing ministry. What message are we sharing when we are always busy “doing” and not focusing on “being” who Christ calls us to be and become?

These reminders are especially important as we come into the holiday season. For our family, we seem to be busy from Thanksgiving through Chinese New Year. It’s wonderful and fun, but we can easily grow weary.

This year, can we all commit to:

• Pray for God’s wisdom and discernment
• Walk in humility
• Take care of ourselves physically and spiritually
• Find ways to simplify our schedule
• Make room for the most important commitments
• Prioritize people and relationships
• Thank God for the opportunities he’s given us
• Pray for those needed to fill the opportunities we should not take
• Experience the Prince of Peace, and like Mary, ponder the beauty of the season in our hearts
• Be Thankful

All who heard the shepherds’ story were astonished, but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often. (Luke 2:18-19, NLT)

“Glory to God in highest heaven,
and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.”

(Luke 2:14, NLT)