The Introvert’s Guide to Christian Hospitality: Five Quiet Ways to Connect

By Terrie Hellard-Brown

Cheerfully share your home with those who need a meal or a place to stay. (1 Peter 4:9, NLT)

I have a friend who is such an introvert that she thinks her spiritual gift is being a hermit. Of course, we joke about that because she knows, and we know, that God does not call anyone to live out their faith alone. We are called to be in community and fellowship with other believers. However, whereas being a social butterfly for an extrovert may bring feelings of joy and excitement, for an introvert it can bring dread and panic.

Even so, being introverted does not exempt us from fellowship. It does, however, cause us to bring a different dynamic to fellowship and hospitality.

A Little Clarification

I’m a social introvert which means most people don’t believe I’m an introvert. I enjoy being around people, and I don’t mind leading a group or being up front when needed. However, I am just as comfortable being in the background and especially enjoy socializing with one or two people over trying to muster up small talk in a crowded room.

My hermit friend is a true introvert. She is fine not being around anyone for very long periods of time, and she often becomes stressed when she needs to be in a group other than close family.

Both of us are exhausted by social interactions. Even though I enjoy them, when the party, Bible study, or even Sunday worship is over, I’m so tired I need a nap. This is a common trait for most introverts. Most extroverts are energized by social interactions; most introverts are drained by them.

The Introverted Host

So, how do we obey God in the area of fellowship and hospitality as introverts? Here are five keys to opening the door to fellowship:

• We accept the way God has created us.

We don’t need to pretend we are extroverts to welcome people into our home or to connect with someone.

Accepting ourselves — limitations, giftings, and personality quirks — allows us to forget about ourselves and focus on others. One of the traits of an introvert is carrying our mistakes with us and reliving them over and over again. When we accept how God has created us, we let go of some of that and can learn to roll with the punches, so to speak. We can relax. We can enjoy the fellowship and laugh at our mistakes or missteps. It becomes about helping others not how well we perform.

We tend to feel “on” when we’re around people almost like an actor on a stage. We don’t want to feel that way. We would love to take a deep breath, relax, and enjoy the fellowship. My advice is to try it. Literally, take a deep breath, whisper a prayer, and smile. Talk to people even though it’s not our normal strength. Welcome people anyway. We can accept who we are and still enjoy stepping into social situations with grace when we aren’t trying to be someone we aren’t.

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (Ephesians 2:10, NLT)

• We put others’ needs ahead of our discomfort.

Thinking about what others may need and finding a way to meet those needs allows us to focus on what’s important. It really isn’t all about us.

As introverts we tend to be so concerned about people pleasing or at least trying not to look too foolish. Most introverts would rather avoid the situation rather than risk embarrassment. However, if our focus is on the other person’s needs, we can stop worrying about impressing others and just focus on blessing them. If possible, we can let go of the need to have people affirm that we did a good job. Introverts often need affirmation that we did okay especially because we aren’t sure if we did okay socially. Letting go of that is hard, but with God’s help, we can truly keep the focus on others and off our own discomfort and insecurities.  

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3, NLT)

The quiet spirit of the introvert is not a hindrance but a blessing when we can simply change our focus from ourselves to others.

• We plan like introverts.

Introverts may find planning so that they can focus on one thing at a time makes the event easier.

When I plan an event, I try to finish everything before everyone arrives. Before people arrive, I cook and plan for everything to be ready when people arrive or at least almost ready and in the oven. Then, when guests arrive, I have appetizers so they can be busy talking and snacking. I am free to get things set out and finalized.

Then, as we sit down to eat, I can concentrate on listening to conversations without staying in the kitchen and trying to cook. Otherwise, I completely miss out on the connection with others.

In addition, I usually plan activities for after the meal if it is a party. Keeping the party moving is important. However, if the conversation is going strong, and people are having a good time, be prepared to let the activities go.

If it is just a dinner together, then I focus on the conversation and comfort of the people.

I personally don’t focus on cleaning up – there is time for that later. I focus on the people and how the experience is going for them. Some have a hard time with this and need to go ahead and clean up. If someone offers to help, welcome that help. It is a blessing. Accept as one.

Because social situations may not come naturally for us, we often need to plan a little more than others may need to. We may need to think about questions we want to ask to catch up with each person.

Typically, and this is true for all hosts, we should make recipes we have tried before. It is wiser not to prepare something new for a party because things could go very wrong.

As a pastor’s wife, I felt we needed to have people in our home, and so I would often plan very large gatherings a few times a year rather than lots of smaller group gatherings. That may seem counterintuitive for an introvert, but it was easier and less stressful than constantly hosting people in our home.

However, we did have people over almost every week in our home. These were not planned events. They were just people we knew well joining in with our family. It required very little planning, and these were lowkey situations where I didn’t need to feel “on” but could just welcome them as part of our family. That was key. Otherwise, I would have been overwhelmed.

So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31, NLT)

• We love people and serve them.

If we truly love people, that will go a long way to helping us enjoy hosting and being hospitable. We will be able to not only focus on the fellowship, but we can enjoy and appreciate it. Yes, an introvert can enjoy people.

We can think about others. We take the time to ask what they need and really listen to their needs and conversations.

As introverts we are usually good at being quiet. We can use that to listen and care about others. We can minister to them by helping carry their burdens and by being that listening ear and shoulder to cry on. We can be that safe place where people know they can share and not be judged, rejected, or betrayed.

We give them such an amazing gift when we are trustworthy and quit thinking about or worrying about ourselves. Thinking about ourselves is one of the traps of introversion. Most people think shy people don’t think about themselves or put themselves down. They may think introverts are humble. But, if we aren’t careful, we can be just the opposite. Humble people think of others and are comfortable in their own skin. That is rarely an introvert’s experience. Introverts hyper focus on their own faults and can be overly concerned about how they are perceived. It’s not that they think they are better than others. They don’t usually. However, they still think about themselves much more than they should. So, purposefully choosing to focus on others and help carry their burdens will allow them to get their thoughts off themselves which then allows them to enjoy and participate in the fellowship much more.

Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important. (Galatians 6:2-3, NLT)

• We plan for down time after social events.

When the event is over, relax. Take a nap. Clean up or get help cleaning up, and then rest. Resist the temptation to replay the event over in your mind other than just to remember how fun it was to connect with others. Refuse to replay any missteps or mistakes. Absolutely, reject the temptation to review what you said and what you should have said. This is a way to torture oneself that introverts are pros at. Just put the event at the feet of Jesus and ask that he bless it. Pray this before and after the event, and then let go and rest in Jesus. Apply Philippians 4:8, being aware of what you are thinking.

If we have planned well and have made others feel accepted and comfortable, we can rest knowing we did well. We blessed others. They enjoyed themselves. They felt loved.

We can embrace and enjoy the rest that comes afterwards because we know we’ve done our best to bless others. We can plan for the time we need to recuperate from the event. For instance, when we do a weekend event somewhere, I plan for nothing on the Monday afterwards. It is a rest and chill day. Most Tuesdays after an event, I do only what is required and must be done. I know I need that time to rest, recuperate, and reenergize even though I thoroughly enjoyed the event.  

Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. (Galatians 6:4, NLT)

               These five keys can make hospitality a pleasure and fellowship a blessing. Trust God, Dear Friend. He does not call us to do what he doesn’t help us accomplish.

If we recognize that our hesitation is based on fear or hurt from the past, we can ask God to heal our hearts and minds and help us process that fear, replacing it with faith, heal from the hurt and grief, forgiving where necessary, and replace it with joy.

Nothing is impossible with God. Through him and his strength, we can enjoy obeying his commands. Our lives can become fuller and more meaningful as we allow more people into our lives and as we invest in the lives of others. Our introversion helps us tune in to others and sit quietly with those who are hurting. The quiet spirit of the introvert is not a hindrance but a blessing when we can simply change our focus from ourselves to others.