The Foundation Everything Else Depends On: Why Love Comes First in Family Culture

The Choice

I was in my 40’s, had been married for 20 years, and had 4 children, 3 in elementary and one heading into middle school. We were on the mission field and were so busy we played tag team parenting most of the time, but we loved the work we were doing, our family, and our adopted country. Life was good except for one little thing – I had lost touch with my husband.

We no longer went on date nights, or if we did, they were few and far between, and we usually talked about ministry or kids. Our marriage was meh, and I didn’t like it. I wasn’t even sure I still loved my husband. I didn’t NOT love him. I just felt numb and kind of dead when I thought about our marriage. It was stagnant and boring. I was pretty sure he felt the same way.

That’s when I decided to make a change.

I didn’t feel a lot of love and goosebumps when I looked at my husband because I had just not felt much of anything. I was too busy being a mom and pastor’s wife. But that day I decided to love my husband again. It was a simple change. I turned my heart back toward my husband, making him a priority in my life again. It began with those three little words we all know: I love you.

Every day, I determined to say “I love you” at least twice. Sometimes, at the beginning, I wasn’t even sure I believed it, but I said it anyway. The transformation in our relationship and our family culture was undeniable.

He responded with “I love you too,” and before I knew it, he was saying it before I did, and we both truly felt it in every fiber of our beings. Not only that, but we came up with some other life-changing expressions such as: “You are cute/beautiful,” “I’m so happy I married you,” and “I really love you.” We even added a quote from comedian Mark Lowry, “You make my liver quiver” (Mark Lowry YouTube video)

But it all began with a choice, a decision, to love one another and commit to each other again.

The Essential Foundation

When we talk about family culture and creating the home we want, I firmly believe this is where we must begin. Love.

Number 1: Do we love God?

Number 2: Do we love our spouse?

Number 3: Do we love our children?

Creating a family culture that honors God must start with our commitment to honor God in our hearts, minds, and souls (Matthew 22:37, Deuteronomy 6:5). With Christ as the foundation, we can build a marriage that is strong and glorifies God and honors each other. In that setting, our children find security and safety. Then, we can lavish our love on them. I’ve created an infographic as a guide for ways to express love to our children at different ages and stages (see below).

So, I encourage you to take these three life-changing, family-culture-creating steps:

1. Examine your heart and allow the Holy Spirit to shine his light on your heart and mind. Do we love God as we should? Do we love our spouses in a way that honors God and our commitment to them? Do our children see that love relationship we have with God and each other? Do our children feel secure, loved, and accepted?
2. Make a choice to love and say it daily. This is beyond feelings. It is action and commitment. Those three words really are powerful.
3. Pray for your marriage and for your family. Depending on your situation, you may be facing some tough times. For us the transformation was fast, and I’m so thankful for that, but for others it may take time. Don’t give up.

No matter what else we want to create in our family culture, until these steps are implemented well, the rest won’t likely matter. But once we have built this solid foundation, with God, anything is possible.

How To Say and Show “I Love You” to Our Children