Talking to Kids About Sex: Start Two Years Before You Think You Should

"When should I tell my kids about sex?"

On this week's episode of Sparking Everyday Discipleship, author John Fort passed along the best answer, from a therapist whose name he couldn't remember: two years before you think you should.

He’s right.

John's new book, Don't Stress Talking Sex: Starting Honest, Healthy Conversations with Your Kids, is the fruit of decades of these conversations with his own children and his ministry helping men walk in sexual integrity. Here are the parts of our conversation I keep thinking about.

The Little Ones Heard It All

The law God gave Israel talks plainly about bodies: menstruation, nakedness, nocturnal emissions, who may see whom. And when that law was read to the people, the little ones were there.

"There was not a word of all that Moses commanded that Joshua did not read before all the assembly of Israel, and the women, and the little ones." (Joshua 8:35)

Not a word left out. The idea that our children are too young to hear about God's design for their bodies doesn't come from Scripture. Usually, John said, they're ready before we are.

His general guidelines:

• Ages 3–6: body parts, using the real names, and respecting our bodies and other people's.

• Ages 8–9: the mechanics: how sex works.

• Ages 10–11: the reproductive system, the material most of us got in middle school health.

All along the way, they need more than facts. They need to hear that sex is about giving, not taking, and that God's design is good.

Someone once asked me how I could go from “sex is bad” to “sex is good” by simply saying “I do.” I was surprised by her question and told her that I never thought sex was bad. It was just reserved for marriage. Our children need to understand that sex is a gift God gave us. Being a girl or a boy is also His gift. Our bodies are a gift. None of it is “bad.” But sex belongs in marriage.

Because we have a hard time sometimes discussing these sensitive topics with our children, we can cause them to think it is something bad when it is something special and private. Helping our children understand the difference between private and bad is important.

Not Just "Don't"

Many of us grew up in the purity movement, which mostly told us what not to do. It rarely told us what our bodies and sexuality were for.

John's book tries to give children a positive picture. With his daughter, as she neared middle school and her friends started dressing provocatively, he didn't hand down rules. He asked questions: Who do you want to be? How do you want boys to see you? Do you want to dress like everyone else, or like you? She found her own style, and as her dad he could tell her honestly that dressing to be looked at doesn't earn anyone's respect.

I've tried to teach my children the same thing: respect your own body. We don't use our bodies to entice people. We honor ourselves, and we honor the people around us. Our world has taught us lies. Women are encouraged to flaunt their bodies as a way of supposedly showing they are powerful. Yet, we’re supposed to be “liberated” from being sex objects. It does not make sense and is so harmful to our young men and women.

Prepare Them for Exposure, Not Just Sex

This was the part of the conversation I most want parents to hear. In today's world, John said, your child will be exposed to sexualized media and pornography. The question isn't if, but when.

So by age eight at the latest, tell them: Someday you're going to come across this. When it happens, get away, come tell me, and you will not be in trouble. Then say it again. And again.

They need to hear "you won't be in trouble" over and over because of how exposure happens. A friend starts telling a joke. Your child doesn't realize what it is until they've heard too much. Maybe they stay a little longer out of curiosity. By the time they get away, they feel guilty, and guilt says don't tell.

If they do tell you, stay calm. When John was nine, he tried to ask his mother about something teenage boys had said. She panicked. She wasn't angry at him, she was angry at the subject, but he never asked either parent about sex again. He went back to the teenagers for answers instead.

Thank your child for telling you. Talk it through. Then, as John put it, go scream into your pillow after they've left the room.

I know how early this can come. When we lived in Asia, my daughter was taller than her classmates and looked older than she was. In second and third grade, fifth- and sixth-grade boys at recess said sexual things to her. She came home and told me, and we had to have conversations far earlier than I'd planned. We eventually pulled her out of that school because it wasn't safe. I'm grateful every day that she told me.

For Our Kids Who Are Wired Differently

I have three children on the spectrum, so I asked John what changes for neurodivergent kids. He was honest that he speaks from training, not from raising one himself, but his answer rang true.

Many neurodivergent kids are strongly drawn to online, interactive worlds, partly because real social settings are so exhausting. Pornography can be especially compelling for them because it feels like human interaction without requiring anything back. The answer isn't only blocking the internet. It's giving them positive, real-world social experiences, like the dad John knew who hosted a monthly board game night for his son and coached the other boys: when his son needed a break, they kept playing until he came back. Afterward, some online time can help these kids decompress. Unlike their neurotypical siblings, they may genuinely need it.

For children with intellectual disabilities, John said, the main thing is protection. Lower impulse control makes them very vulnerable to anyone who says, "Hey, let's go do this." In my years in social work, I saw how often unwanted touch and unplanned pregnancies happened in this group. And when puberty brings behavior that looks bizarre to us, it's often simple confusion, not something sinister. Stay calm here, too.

A few more things I'd add from our own home:

• Use the real names and plain words. Literal thinkers can't decode euphemisms. A child who can name body parts can tell you if someone crossed a line.

• Make the rules concrete. Which parts of the body are private, which places are private, which behaviors belong only there. Write them down or make a social story.

• No secrets about bodies. Many of our kids have been trained by therapies and medical care to let adults touch them and direct them. They need to know clearly which touch is never okay, that they're allowed to say no, and that they'll never be in trouble for telling you.

Closer, Not Further Apart

John ended with an encouraging word. We fear these conversations will make things awkward between us and our children. In his family, the opposite happened. He and his wife are very close to their adult children, and he believes a large part of that is because they dared to talk about this.

Talks, not The Talk. Honest, ongoing, starting earlier than feels comfortable. That's discipleship.

John’s Book

John's book, Don't Stress Talking Sex: Starting Honest, Healthy Conversations with Your Kids, is available now on Amazon. You can find his other books, including his fiction, under John W. Fort.