Speak Life, Not Shame: A Parents’ Guide to 4 Steps for Speaking Words that Heal Homes

The day starts like any other day, helping the children get dressed and fed. You woke up with a song in your heart and a positive outlook for a good day until your little angel did the one thing you’ve told her not to do a million times. She looks up at you innocently like it never occurred to her this would not be acceptable behavior. You can fill in the blank, but for me it was “borrowing” my lipstick which became a weapon of mass coloration in a toddler’s hand. I felt my blood begin to boil, and the recording of my mother going through my head, “I’ve told you a million times not to do that! What is wrong with you! Why won’t you listen?” Okay, I don’t know if my mom was ever quite that harsh, but I certainly felt like being that harsh, especially with her face and outfit covered in my brightest shade of red.

We, as parents, must teach and discipline our children, helping them to know right from wrong and our expectations. Our hope is that they learn to discipline themselves and use their own self-discipline or self-governance to choose to do right. These moments when they are toddlers can cause panic that we’ve got a strong-willed child who will grow into a rebellious teenager. We don’t feel equipped for either.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” – Proverbs 18:21, ESV

Our words, especially with our children, have power—they can build up or tear down, bring healing or inflict wounds that can last for years. This knowledge can cripple us as parents at times and fill us with guilt and worry at other times. When we need to discipline or navigate difficult conversations with our children, we have a choice: we can speak shame that wounds their hearts, or we can speak life that shapes their character while preserving their dignity. We cannot shy away and avoid the tough conversations, but we can do better. First, before we look at the four tips, consider the “tapes” that play in your mind. What influences have you had that have shaped your character and thinking. Before we start to try to build a healthy home culture, we may need to edit the culture in our minds. Maybe what our parents, teachers, or relatives said is still rolling around up there in our minds, influencing our reactions and words today. Maybe they were life-giving, but maybe they were not. We need to examine them, turn them over to God, forgive, and let God renew our minds. Then, we can step into these four simple principles with more success.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2, ESV

Four Life-Giving Principles for Difficult Conversations

1. Lead with Love, Not Anger

• Pause before responding when emotions are high. We learned to count to ten when we were probably ten, and it still works. Parenting well takes time and intentional actions. Responding from our frustration and anger doesn’t help us or our children. Take the time you need to calm down, clear your head, and to be able to speak from a healthy place. You’re on your way to being an absolutely amazing parent when you do!

• Remember the heart and purpose behind the words: we’re correcting behavior, not attacking identity. None of us are defined solely by our actions. However, if we don’t learn to regulate our actions and reactions, we may find ourselves, and our children may find themselves in some very unhealthy situations. When we correct our children, we need to remind them who and whose they are. We need to remind them that they know what our expectations are (if we’ve corrected them before on this same behavior). Call them to act better, choose more wisely, and to feel good about the choices they make.

• Scripture anchor: “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1, ESV

Practical examples:

• Instead of: “You’re so irresponsible!”
• Try: “I love you, and I’m concerned about the choice you made. Let’s talk about it.”
• Ask: “How would you feel if you chose to do the right thing instead of choosing to disobey? How would everything be different right now?”

2. Practice Honest Humility

• Model what it looks like to own our mistakes. We all need to apologize sometimes, and we need to create a culture of easy apologies when we know we’ve made a bad or hurtful choice. Ignoring the need for reconciliation is sometimes how dysfunction takes root in a family. Relationships require respect and the willingness to humble ourselves and ask for forgiveness when we know we need it. We must model that for our children.

• Show children that everyone needs grace and growth. Talk about forgiveness and what that means. The world tries to tell us it’s a selfish act, but it isn’t. It’s a grace-filled, sacrificial act that places love and God’s will above human pettiness. It’s an important and vital lesson our children need to learn as early as possible. (I did a recent podcast interview on 5-Minute Parenting about Forgiveness. You can listen here).

• Scripture anchor: “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” – James 5:16a, ESV

Practical examples:

• “I raised my voice earlier, and that wasn’t right. Will you forgive me? Let’s try this conversation again.”
• “I was wrong about what happened. Thank you for being patient with me while I learn too.”

3. Choose Transparent Tenderness

• It’s okay to let children see that hard conversations affect us too. Sometimes the words we need to share are about difficult truths or situations. We can share them with care and gentleness and even personal grief. Always remember, whatever the topic, we want to be the first to have the difficult conversations with our children. We care more for them than any other person other than God. We need to be the ones to share the good news as well as the bad news.

• Acknowledge when situations are painful while maintaining strength. We must get past the notion that feelings are weakness. Grief is one of the toughest experiences we will ever walk through, and it makes us stronger when we let God help us through it. We give our children a gift when we teach them the same thing. Asking for help, comfort, and prayer is a sign of wisdom and strength. Help them learn that too.

• Scripture anchor: “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.” – Ephesians 4:15, ESV

Practical examples:

• “This conversation makes my heart sad too, because I love you so much.”
• “I know this is hard to hear. It’s hard for me to say too, but we need to work through this together.”
• “I’m sorry, but I need to share something with you that is sad. I feel very sad too. We will be sad together, and God will help us.”

4. Help Them Name and Navigate Their Emotions

• Validate their feelings while addressing their actions. We can build emotional intelligence through our connections with our children and how we handle our own emotions. We are living in a world that is struggling with handling emotions and a culture that often lets emotions govern everything. It is terrifying to see the detrimental results of this phenomenon. We can do better and help our children be healthier when we help them navigate their emotions well and handle them appropriately.

• Teach them that emotions are information, not instructions. How we feel is telling us something, but it is not requiring us to do something.

• Scripture anchor: “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” – Ephesians 4:26, ESV

Practical examples:

• “I can see you’re really frustrated right now. That makes sense. AND we still need to find a better way to handle this.”
• “It sounds like you’re feeling embarrassed about what happened. Can you tell me more about that?”

The Long View: Building Character, Not Just Compliance

When we speak life instead of shame, we’re not just addressing the immediate behavior. We are:

• Teaching them how to have hard conversations in their future relationships

• Showing them what grace looks like in action

• Building their emotional vocabulary and resilience

• Creating a safe space where they can bring their struggles to us

Encouragement

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” – Ephesians 4:29, ESV

We can do this, but we must remember, parenting with life-giving words doesn’t mean we avoid difficult conversations or fail to set boundaries. It means we choose to discipline in a way that builds character while protecting their hearts. I call this parenting with God’s heart. God parents us with gentleness but firmness, love and truth, a high standard and grace. Our children are learning not just what we expect of them, but how to treat others—and themselves—when mistakes happen or wrong choices are made.

Remember, dear parent: you don’t have to be perfect. You just need to be wise and intentional. Every conversation is a new opportunity to speak life and to bring everyday discipleship into your every day.

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Additional Scripture References for Deeper Study from the ESV Translation

• Colossians 4:6 – “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”
• 1 Thessalonians 5:11 – “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”
• Proverbs 16:24 – “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.”

More Encouragement Through Music

Here’s a couple videos just for fun that I find encouraging and excellent reminders as a parent. What songs encourage you as a parent? Please share them in the show note comment section. We would love to hear about them.

TobyMac “Speak Life”

Steven Curtis Chapman “Love Take Me Over”