Neither Pride nor Shame: Four Ways to Teach Godly Self-Worth

In this month’s newsletter (if you didn’t get it, you can sign up here), I shared how, as a child, I felt very confused and a little hopeless when it came to navigating the balance between humility, self-control, and pride while maintaining a healthy attitude. If I was too negative about myself or feeling too good about myself, I was still focused on myself. I knew that sometimes my mom got onto me for being negative about myself, and sometimes she called me conceited. But I was trying to get the right attitude, and that just meant I was always worrying about what others thought. Ugh.

Give Clear Instruction

So, as that former child, I want to encourage us as parents to be clear when we instruct our children. I think that is what the verse in Ephesians was partly teaching us: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger , but bring them up [tenderly, with lovingkindness] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4, AMP).

I know that’s not always easy, especially when we are dealing with such abstract ideas. So, here are four pointers I’ve found that help:

Use stories – tell the stories from the Bible such as the parable of the lost sheep, Psalm 139, and the story of Ishmael and Hagar, that show how much God values each and every person. This will help our children understand that they are valuable but not better than anyone else. Teach the stories that demonstrate a humble spirit such as Esther, Ruth, Daniel, and Joseph.

Seek to bless others – We can challenge our children daily to try to bless someone and share who and how they blessed someone when you have dinner together or as you’re sharing together before bedtime. If they didn’t feel that they blessed someone that day, encourage them to try again the next day, but you can give them grace and ask them if they’d like to bless you before they go to sleep by sharing a verse or saying they love you. This can show them that blessing someone can be the smallest of actions or the biggest of deeds. We all have the ability to bless others each day.

Teach and illustrate repentance – We all fall into pride. In fact, we should probably memorize verses about the dangers of pride to help us all remember what a trap it is (James 4:6, Psalm 75:4, Jeremiah 9:23–24, 1 John 2:16, 2 Corinthians 10:12, Proverbs 15:25–33, for example). We can help our children understand that pride is not unforgiveable, but it is something we need to repent of when we become aware of it in our lives. If we can stress that the Holy Spirit helps us and shows us when we need to repent rather than causing our children to worry about whether or not they are being prideful, they may begin to rely more on him than on their fears. We need to model this for them and help them mirror what we teach. Always, we need to demonstrate grace and forgiveness toward them as well.

In doing these things, we help shift their focus from themselves to others while helping them avoid the trap of undeserved shame and unreasonable fear as well as the trap of selfish pride. Our world teaches pride through self-esteem and loving oneself. These are not biblical, and they are traps that can lead our children into selfish, entitled, narcissistic attitudes. These worldly attitudes are in stark contrast to God’s Word and ways, yet some Christians have adopted them in our culture today. On the other hand, we also don’t want our children to find themselves wrestling with negative thoughts condemning themselves or constantly doubting our love or God’s grace and love. Satan wants to cause our children (and us) to fall to one extreme or the other.

Pray without ceasing – So, the last pointer is that we pray – pray for each other, pray for ourselves as we parent, pray for wisdom and discernment, and pray for and with our children listening to their hearts and their questions. We can teach and lead with God’s heart, helping our children find the narrow way of Truth and knowing God.