How To Check If Your Discipleship Lesson Is Landing Right

In this blog post, I hope to provide a practical guide to assess how children are internalizing the spiritual lessons we teach.

On the podcast this week and next week, I discuss some misunderstandings we’ve seen with children when we’re trying to disciple them well. We know that teaching our children about faith, character, and values is one of our most important responsibilities and callings we have as parents. But here’s what many of us miss: the lesson we think we’re teaching isn’t always the lesson our children are learning.

We might teach about God’s love and grace, but our child might internalize performance-based acceptance. We may emphasize caring for others, but our child develops people-pleasing tendencies that leave them unable to advocate for themselves. The gap between our intentions and their understanding can create lifelong struggles with shame, anxiety, and unhealthy boundaries, and, unfortunately, these can sometimes lead to deconstruction of their faith and walking away from their faith.

The solution isn’t to stop teaching these important lessons, but to regularly check how our children are processing and applying what we’ve shared.

Why Regular “Discipleship Check-Ups” Matter

Children’s developing minds often create black-and-white categories where we intended nuanced understanding. They might hear “your body is a temple” and conclude that any imperfection is shameful. They might learn about putting others first and believe their own needs never matter.

These misunderstandings don’t usually surface in obvious ways. Instead, they show up as:

• Perfectionism and fear of making mistakes
• Difficulty asking for help or expressing needs
• Excessive guilt over normal childhood behaviors
• Rigid thinking about right and wrong
• Anxiety about disappointing God or others

The Art of Checking for Understanding

Create Safe Conversation Spaces

Before diving into specific questions, we must establish an environment where our child feels safe to share their real thoughts without fear of correction or disappointment. We can use phrases like:

• “I’m curious about what you think about this…”
• “There are no wrong answers here—I just want to understand how your mind works”
• “Help me understand what goes through your head when…”

Practical Check-Up Questions by Topic

Body Image and Purity

What we’re teaching: Respect your body as God’s creation; maintain appropriate boundaries

Questions to assess understanding:

• “When you hear ‘your body is a temple,’ what does that mean to you?”
• “What do you think I mean when I say ‘respect your body’?”
• “If you got hurt or sick, how do you think God would feel about you?”
• “What would you tell a friend who was worried they weren’t pretty enough?”
• “How do you think God sees you when you’re having a bad hair day?”
• “How do we show respect for others by how we act and dress?” (this one is especially for older children)

Red flags to watch for:

• Shame about normal bodily functions
• Fear that physical imperfections disappoint God
• Excessive focus on appearance as moral issue
• Inability to discuss body-related topics without discomfort

Empathy and Service

What we’re teaching: Consider others’ feelings; serve those in need

Questions to assess understanding:

• “Tell me about a time when you needed something. Was it okay to ask for help?”
• “What would you do if helping someone meant you couldn’t do something you really wanted?”
• “How do you know when it’s time to take care of yourself versus taking care of others?”
• “If you saw someone being mean to your friend, what would you do?”
• “If you know your choice could hurt someone else, how do you decide what to do?”
• “What if someone doesn’t like the choice you made, but you know there is nothing wrong about your choice. How do you feel or react?”

Red flags to watch for:

• Inability to express personal needs
• Feeling guilty for having preferences or desires
• Taking responsibility for others’ emotions
• Difficulty saying no to requests
• Making a dramatic 180 degree turn when a friend criticizes the choice made

Grace and Obedience

What we’re teaching: God loves you unconditionally; we obey because we love Him

Questions to assess understanding:

• “How does God feel about you when you make a choice to disobey his word?”
• “What is the difference between a sin and a mistake?”
• “What’s the difference between disappointing someone and losing their love?”
• “If you disobeyed and then apologized, what happens next?”
• “Why do you think God gives us rules?”

Red flags to watch for:

• Belief that God’s love depends on performance
• Excessive fear of making mistakes
• Inability to accept forgiveness (from God or others)
• View of rules as arbitrary or punitive rather than protective

Troubleshooting Common Misunderstandings

When They’ve Gone Too Far in One Direction

The Perfectionist Child

• What they’ve internalized: “I must be good enough to earn love” and “I can lose God’s love or my parents’ love.”
• Troubleshooting approach: Emphasize your love during failures, not just successes. Share your own mistakes and how you’ve grown from them. Practice celebrating effort over outcome. Clarify the difference between a mistake and a choice to sin. We may apologize for both, but we only repent of one. We only need God’s forgiveness for the choice, not a simple mistake. Then, emphasize again that love doesn’t change either way. God and we will always love them.
• Conversation starters: “Tell me about a mistake that taught you something” or “What would you want me to know if you failed at something important?”
• Reactions to watch for: Watch for the relief as they internalize the unconditional love of God and parents. Answer questions they may have about friends who seem to love them one day and betray them the next.

The People-Pleaser

• What they’ve internalized: “Others’ needs always come before mine”
• Troubleshooting approach: Validate their needs and preferences. Model healthy boundary-setting. Create situations where they must choose their own preferences.
• Conversation starters: “What do you need right now?” or “It’s okay to want different things than your friends.”
• Reactions to watch for: Excitement over plans to do something fun that they want to do or accepting help happily and with gratitude.

The Shame-Carrier

• What they’ve internalized: “Something is fundamentally wrong with me”
• Troubleshooting approach: Separate behavior from identity. Focus on growth rather than judgment. Emphasize God’s delight in them as His child.
• Conversation starters: “Why do we confess our sin and ask for forgiveness from God and others? What does that do?” or “What would change if you knew God was proud of you?”
• Reactions to watch for: Watch for their willingness to forgive others. Watch for their willingness to seek help when they have sinned rather than trying to hide it. Then, watch for that amazing feeling of freedom when we know our sins are forgiven.

Rebalancing the Message

This is a hard one! We tend to want to immediately fix what’s wrong, but if we wait, we may learn even more, and we can encourage their growth and desire to learn. So, when you discover a misunderstanding, resist the urge to immediately correct or over-explain. Instead:

1. Validate their current understanding: “That makes sense that you would think that…”
2. Share the fuller picture: “And there’s more to consider…”
3. Give concrete examples: “Let me tell you about a time when…”
4. Check for new understanding: “How does that sit with you?” or “What do you think about that?”
5. Ask: “Do you have any questions?”

Be Aware of Your Own Subtle Messaging

We must acknowledge our own weaknesses and fears. We can pass on our own misunderstandings or struggles as we’re teaching our children. They can tell when we are uncomfortable with what we’re teaching. We may teach grace, but we want perfection and expect so much from ourselves and our children that they don’t believe our message of grace. We may be teaching one thing, but we feel like a hypocrite because we know we aren’t living it out in our lives. We need to:

1. Confess: Before we teach, we need to make sure our hearts are right with God and with our spouse. We need to accept God’s forgiveness and recognize how completely he has taken away our sin.
2. Ask: Ask God for wisdom. Ask for discernment. And ask for God to show where we have fooled ourselves.
3. Rejoice and Celebrate: As we go into the discipleship time as a family, our hearts should be ready to celebrate Jesus and his amazing love and grace. We rejoice that the Holy Spirit is there; we are not doing this alone. We are not trying to force our children to accept what we teach, but we entrust them to the Lord and celebrate what he’s done in our lives.
4. Be transparent: When appropriate and when needed, be honest and transparent. We don’t need to fear the truth.

Making It a Natural Part of Family Life

Regular Conversation, Not Formal Interviews

• Integrate these conversations into car rides, bedtime routines, or family walks
• Ask one thoughtful question during dinner each week
• Pay attention to their questions and use them as entry points
• Notice behavioral patterns that might indicate internal struggles

Age-Appropriate Approaches

Younger Children (5-8):

• Use story scenarios: “What would you tell the character in this book?”
• Focus on feelings: “How would your heart feel if…”
• Keep conversations short and concrete

Tweens (9-12):

• Ask about friend situations: “What would you do if your friend…”
• Explore hypotheticals: “What if someone told you…”
• Discuss media they’re consuming

Teenagers:

• Invite them to evaluate the messages they’re receiving
• Ask about their observations of others
• Create space for them to challenge or question teachings

Warning Signs That Require Immediate Attention

Some misunderstandings need professional support from a Christian counselor or trusted pastor. Seek help if you notice:

• Self-harm or extreme self-criticism
• Inability to function due to perfectionism or anxiety
• Complete shutdown when discussing mistakes or failures
• Extreme people-pleasing that compromises their safety
• Persistent shame that doesn’t respond to reassurance

The Long View

Remember that discipleship is a lifelong process that we are on as well as our children. Our children will need to revisit these concepts as they grow, face new challenges, and develop their own relationship with God. The goal isn’t to prevent all misunderstandings but to create an environment where they can be identified, discussed, and corrected. We all experience crises of faith throughout our lives. These are not a bad thing at all, especially when we know we have somewhere we can voice our questions and concerns. If we create that environment early and often, our children will feel free to come to us and talk.

Our willingness to check for understanding—and to adjust our approach when needed—communicates something profound to our children: that their internal world matters, that growth is expected, and that relationship is more important than perfect performance. We are truly showing them in a tangible way that we love them, they matter, and they are seen and heard.

Questions for Our Own Reflection

As we begin implementing these check-ups with our children, we should consider:

• What messages did I internalize as a child that I’m still working to correct?
• How do I respond when my children share misunderstandings—with patience or frustration?
• What fears do I have about my children’s spiritual development?
• How can I model the grace and growth mindset I want them to embrace?
• Have I truly entrusted my children to God?

The beautiful thing about regular discipleship check-ups is that they benefit everyone in the family. As we create space for our children to process and question, we often discover areas where we need to grow too. And that’s exactly the kind of authentic faith journey we want to model for the next generation.