From Small Talk to Soul Talk: 7 Ways to Deepen Conversations for Real Connection

By Terrie Hellard-Brown

We were standing around after church making the usual small talk. My friend Kathy and I saw another friend. Kathy asked her how she was doing. She answered fine. I smiled and was ready to go on with more small talk with her and others, but Kathy looked her in the eye and said, “I don’t believe you. How are you really?” The young woman began to share what was on her heart. Kathy saw something in her expression and her eyes that told her more was going on, and a pat small talk answer was not going to cut it.

I’ve never forgotten that example my friend set. When we are making small talk, most of us feel a little awkward to begin with, and we just ask the pat questions expecting the pat answers, and sometimes we don’t even really pay attention to the conversation.

I’ve been on the other end of one of those conversations. I was grieving because my aunt had passed away that week, and when one of the sweet ladies at church asked how I was doing, I tried to share. After all, she had been praying for my aunt. I didn’t even get my answer halfway out when she saw someone else and just turned away and went to talk to them. She was in small talk mode, and I don’t think she even waited to hear what I was going to say. She just expected the “fine.” And that was it.

How often have we done this to people who are really hurting or just need to be encouraged or even share a victory or answer to prayer?

We do the same thing with wait staff or cashiers. We might have an opportunity for a divine appointment, but we are in a hurry and not even aware of what others are feeling or thinking around us. We must become more intentional.

If we keep the mindset that every person who crosses our path may be a divine appointment, an opportunity share Christ or to encourage another human being, we might treat small talk a whole lot differently. We might be able to deepen conversations to really hear a person’s heart and hear the Holy Spirit’s prompting to help make a difference.

Seven Ways We Can Deepen Our Conversations and Connection

Be intentional by:

1. Looking and listening – we must notice the person and take the time to go beyond the usual exchange. We don’t dismiss what someone is saying, but we really listen, make eye contact, and respond appropriately.

• Remembering – if the person shared something last week, we should ask about that rather than a simple “How are you.” We can share that we prayed for them.

• Showing genuine concern – if we aren’t genuinely interested in the person, we can seem nosey. People will discern quickly if we have an agenda. We can also suggest meeting up for coffee later in the week, showing that we really do care and want to offer support.

• Being a safe place – our reputation as a trustworthy person will become known. We must live up to that reputation and never forsake it.

• Asking different questions – we can turn the conversation to something spiritual or to a topic beyond the weather and how’s your day. We can ask questions about the message that day and how it spoke to each of us. We can ask about a person’s children or learn more about their work. We can ask if we can share our story or share an answer to prayer (we should practice sharing our testimony in 60 seconds or less).

• Praying right then – when a person needs prayer, we should pray right then. Of course, we can pray for them during the week, but at least we have prayed together right then. Prayer minsters to people, and they can feel comforted knowing God hears and knows. Depending on their spiritual maturity, they may not know how to pray.

• Asking God for help – God can help us truly love people. We can get caught up in the activities of our days, especially on a busy Sunday. With God’s help, we can slow down and focus on the people around us rather than the schedule.

If I’m honest, I really hate small talk. I’m not good at it. I usually say something cringy. It seems useless and mundane. I love getting into deeper conversations and really connecting with people. I appreciate being heard and hearing other’s ideas and needs. I love praying with people. I love learning more about their jobs, family, and interests. These connections make church life come alive. I think most people feel this way. If we read scripture, we see that deeper connections were always God’s design for the church.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

(Galatians 6:2, NIV)

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

(1 Thessalonians 5:11, NIV)