Digital Disconnect? Fostering Real Relationship in a Virtual World

By Terrie Hellard-Brown

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:12, NIV)

You know what this verse is not talking about? People. We are not meant to see each other as in a mirror and not face to face.

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17, NIV)

God has a purpose in us knowing one another and seeing one another face to face, doing life and ministry together.

This week, I interviewed Tanya Acquista on “Books that Spark,” and you’ll get to hear her interview next week. Our conversation was such a blessing and a reminder to seek out what is important in spending time. Budgeting time is not so much about time management, although that’s part of it, as it is making choices, choosing the important over the trivial.

We joke about “adult onset ADD” (most of us are too tired for the “H”). However, with so many devices vying for our attention and time, and people expecting immediate answers and replies, we feel like we are on call 24/7, and part of being on call is also being “on” all the time. It’s exhausting, and it often looks like ADD. Plus, we are bombarded with “news” that has become sensationalized and is meant to stir up emotion and fear. It all wears us down. Our minds are constantly trying to process too many ideas at once. Some people use the analogy of life being like we have too many tabs open on a browser. It makes us tired and frazzled if we are not careful and intentional.

Think about it:

Our children are growing up in a world where they hear of more divergent ideas in a week than most adults have heard in their lifetimes.

Many people have more friends online than in real life. They make more connections virtually than real-ly.

Some universities started offering classes on how to have real-life, fact-to-face interactions.

Something is wrong here.

So, how do we foster real relationships in a world consumed by the virtual, digital world?

First, we must deal with our mindset.

               I love my electronics. I’m just being honest. I have computers, tv’s, a smart phone, and a smart watch. I am wired up and busy almost all day on some connected device. However, if we determine that people are more important than devices, and truly connecting with real, live people is more important than “Zooming” a quick meeting, we will change the way we make appointments and conduct our lives.

               We must weigh what is more important – sharing information in a quick email or video chat or making a connection to build team relationships and morale. Sometimes the quick email is a blessing freeing up time to accomplish more tasks in the work or ministry setting. However, if we truly want connection, we must consider ways to create those connections and make it an intentional priority.

Second, and maybe this should have really been first, we must love people.

If we are going to make lasting and important connections, we need to care about the people we connect with. We know we are not obeying God when we really feel like being hermits and feel the world is too “peopley” as some say.  God created us to be with other people so that we can encourage, love, minister to, and be accountable with one another. We were created for fellowship. It honors God and helps us become more Christlike.

But if we don’t love people, we will not value these relationships and times we have with others. We must allow the Holy Spirit to reveal our true priorities and where our true focus is. He must make us aware of our true motives and heart’s desires. When he does, we may need to respond in repentance and ask him to help us care about and love others.

Third, we can use the virtual to enhance the real.

               I love having the ability to connect with friends we worked with when we were missionaries in Taiwan. Our connected world can be seen as a blessing when our hearts and priorities remain in line with God’s plan and his word. We can use our devices as tools to remain connected when we can’t be face-to-face with someone.

               However, we really should care about the real contact and connection with others. We may be able to pray with, cry with, and genuinely care for someone over a video call, but we can’t hug them and make them a cup of tea. That real human contact and hospitality is valuable. The virtual can also be valuable as a tool to bring more connection with those we care for.

Where can we find connection outside of our virtual worlds, and how can we help our children?    

1. Think about the connections we make each week with real people in a real world situation: church, coffee shop, office, homeschool group, sports. Were we just there, or did we try to connect with others? Who can we and our children connect with and build friendships with next time in these places? How can we start conversations?
2. If we are a Sunday School teacher or some sort of team leader in any of these venues, we can think about ways to promote more connection between members. Have people pray in pairs, for example.
3. We must limit our children’s use of electronics (and limit ourselves as well). Some families will choose a week or even a day to turn off all electronic devices. It may be the kind of fast we need to take seriously in our world today.
4. Invite others into our homes for real conversation. We can play board games together or eat a meal together. Conversations are bound to take off.
5. We can smile and be kind. The choice to make eye contact and smile, as simple as that seems, can help to begin building bridges in social settings. Finding small acts of kindness can open doors to friendship.
6. Another simple choice can be, when we are eating out, to turn our phones off or silence them with the screens where we cannot see them. Then, we can focus on those with us in that moment. We can return texts and calls later.
7. The main thing is, in a world obsessed with the virtual, we must make the choice to discipline ourselves and our children to choose the more important – connecting with those who are present and in our lives in that moment. Who knows what divine appointment God may have planned that we could miss if we’re focused on our screens instead.
8. And when we use our screens, use them wisely as tools that help us make life better, not steal from the joys of real connection.

What other ways do you stay connected with people in real ways? How do you utilize the electronic tools to enhance your relationships rather than steal from your relationships? Share in the comments below.