Beyond Bribes: Teaching Children to Create Their Own Motivation

Do you remember the song in the Mary Poppins Movie: “Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down…in the most delightful way”? I was thinking about that today as my husband and I were wading through a ton of paperwork for taxes. I wanted to just go take a nap instead. We both are not gifted in this area, and creating spread sheets makes my eyes twitch. But then, I remembered the Mary Poppins suggestion and the M&M Method.

In college, when we had so many pages to read before our next class, the task was daunting and a bit overwhelming. So, my friend got a bag of M&M’s and about every 30-50 pages of our reading, she would throw in a few M&M’s in her book. She would read, and when she got to the page where the M&M’s were, she’d get a little treat while she continued reading. In the end, she ate one small bag of M&M’s but finished all her reading.

The Difference Between Bribes and Self-Motivation

We are helping our children develop a lifeskill. We are not offering anything to them. We’ve all heard the example of parents who say, “Do your chores, and you can have an ice cream.” Maybe we’ve even done it once or twice. That doesn’t teach a lifeskill that will help our children grow into responsible or healthy adults. This is not a parent bargaining and bribing a child to do what he or she needs to do.

The point of this exercise is self-motivation. It is about teaching children to find creative ways to motivate themselves when they are dreading a task. They have the self-discipline to understand they must do the task whether they want to do it or not, but they find a way to motivate themselves to get it done without parents fussing or cojoling them into doing what they need to do. Additionally, the child is learning delayed gratification. Maybe they want to meet up with friends, but they can’t until their homework is done. The reward and motivator is wanting to hang out with friends, and they get their homework done because of that motivation or self-chosen reward.

We can help our children recognize the joy of accomplishing a hard task, and that can even become a motivator. We can create a chart or a sticker system. When the child completes something they dread doing, they can add a star to the chart or put a sticker in their sticker book. At the end of the week, the family can talk about the hard things they accomplished that week and celebrate together the self-discipline, determination, and sometimes bravery it took to complete those tasks. Doing hard things is important. Our children can acknowledge when they’ve done something tough, especially when they did it without whining or complaining. That’s a great victory for any of us!

Why This Matters

Besides seeing our children become more independently motivated and willing to accomplish difficult tasks, we’re helping them develop crucial life skills:

Building Autonomy and Lifelong Coping Strategies

When they’re on the job someday, they’ll need these kinds of strategies to be successful.

Learning Self-Control and Emotional Regulation.

Instead of responding to an overwhelming or unpleasant situation with a temper tantrum, complaining, whining, or a general bad attitude, they’re learning to self-regulate and choose to be disciplined in their response. We don’t have to like doing something to get it done. Not everything in life is fun. A lot of life is tough and/or boring, but it still must be done. In fact, I think only Snow White actually danced and sang while doing laundry. But the clothes still need to be washed.

Reducing Task-Related Anxiety

So many young people melt down or go into panic mode over being required to do things they don’t want to do. This is very unhealthy and shows how our culture is creating some mentally unhealthy children. However, there are some situations that really are frightening or difficult enough that any child might feel worried or anxious—like knowing they need injections or starting a new school year. Because they’ve learned to do hard things well, they can tackle these tasks with much less stress.

They also learn an important truth: every task, no matter how terrible, is temporary. The longer we avoid something, the longer we have to feel bad about having to do it. Getting it done means we can move on to more pleasant things.

In our house, we’ve borrowed a phrase from comedian Larry the Cable Guy. We try to have a “get ‘er done” attitude. I admit it, you’ll hear one of us say, “Might as well get ‘er done” when we have something we don’t want to do. The goofiness and laugh help as we move into doing what we don’t want to do.

How It Works: A Few Practical Examples

The M&M Method

We’ve already discussed the M&M method above. If you are wanting to avoid excess sugar in these breaks, you might consider yogurt-covered raisins or a picture of cheese meaning the child can grab a chunk of a cheese stick we’ve cut up for them. We certainly don’t want to throw something sticky in between our pages we need to read, so pictures matching snacks that we approve of could do the trick.

Dog Videos for Tax Season

Another super fun and easy one is watching dog videos. As we were trying to get our taxes figured out and not fall asleep or give up, we discovered watching a really funny dog (or cat) video made it better. It would wake us up. It would lighten our mood and attitude. And we could tackle more work.

The difficulty here is not being tempted to keep scrolling. Talk about self-discipline at work! The trick is to watch one (okay, maybe two) silly videos, and then get back to work.

The Rock-Counting Challenge

Another fun idea is counting. One time we had to clear so many rocks from our backyard. I can’t even describe it, but we had our backyard where our house was being built dug up, and where we lived was filled with rock, especially sandstone. There were thousands of them about the size of a hand or fist. My dad said he’d pay us a penny a rock to get them out of the yard and into a pile that could be hauled off. My sister and I took up the challenge, but we went beyond the $10 each Dad had promised (I don’t think he thought we’d go over 1000 rocks each). When we hit 1000 each, there were still more rocks. Counting them and seeing how high we could go was motivating almost as much as the money was. I don’t remember how many we wound up picking up and throwing into the pile, but our yard was cleared, and we felt an amazing sense of accomplishment.

Have your children think of what they love to do. Have them write a list of favorite things such as songs they like, physical actions they enjoy such as stretching, dancing, or standing on their heads, or wrestling with the dog, drawing a doodle, or chewing a piece of gum. Have them make a list of little things that can be enjoyed for a minute or two. Then, they can choose which of those they want to interweave with their not-so-fun activity.

I personally recommend the 30-Second Dance Party Button because it gets our kids up and moving in between working and only lasts 30 seconds. It’s timed for us. Plus, the whole family can join in the fun. The drawback we have to be aware of is if we have ADHD kids, this may stir them up to where they can’t calm down afterwards, or it might help them settle down. It really depends on the child.

Teaching the Skill

Model It Yourself

We teach best by modeling. Model how you take a short break and then get back to work. Model having a positive attitude, and celebrate when you are finished with a tough task. It’s okay to give ourselves pats on the back now and then.

Model celebrating what your child accomplishes too with high fives and “I knew you could do it.” Don’t model ridiculous rewards for doing what they needed to do. We’re not rewarding them for simple obedience, but we can celebrate their good choices with encouragement rather than rewards.

Talk It Through

Talk about it. Make sure children understand what we’re suggesting and how to implement it properly. Help them learn what a 30-second or 2-minute break feels like.

Brainstorm ideas together. This will help clarify what we have in mind and help children understand clearly what we’re teaching.

Let Them Own It

Walk them through it a few times, and then let them own it. We’re teaching them a lifeskill and self-discipline, so they need to take it and run with it.

Reiterate and Demonstrate What It Isn’t

We’re not avoiding hard work.

We’re not procrastinating.

We’re not teaching getting rewards for everything.

Set the Ground Rules

Set some ground rules and make it clear that these activities are blessings and motivators that are not required for them to complete the task they don’t want to do. This is when I give them the “suck it up, Buttercup” speech. Maybe you would say it nicer, but it works. They can live in a “suck it up, Buttercup” situation or an “enjoy a little break” situation. Either way, their task must be accomplished within a reasonable amount of time. Motivational choices may not be used as avoidance or procrastination. We must explain that and make sure our children understand. At first, we may need to help them with a timer for the breaks. Emphasize that we’re making difficult tasks more manageable and enjoyable. (Insert the Mary Poppins song here).

In the process, we are helping reinforce self-motivation, self-discipline, and healthy choices and skills that will serve our children into adulthood. We are giving them valuable tools, not crutches and “outs.” And who knows? Maybe someday when they’re adults facing a mountain of tax paperwork or a tedious project, they’ll remember the M&Ms, the dog videos, or whatever little trick got them through. They might even smile and hum a little Mary Poppins tune as they tackle it. Because that’s what we’re really teaching them—that hard things can be done, and done well, in the most delightful way.”