Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. (Colossians 3:20, ESV)
“Pick up your toys and put them in the toybox,” Mom said. I had already complained once to my mom that I had been picking up all the toys, and my sister wasn’t helping. In fact, she liked going along behind me and undoing what I did sometimes. When we were little, I was the neat one, and she was the messy kid. We switched roles somewhere along the way. But I will never forget that day. It was a classic example of defiance like I’d never seen before or since. She flat out refused to pick up her toys or help clean our room in any way. In fact, she sat on the arm of the couch, crossed her arms, and pouted—the kind of pout where you joke she’s going to step on her lip if she’s not careful.
When Dad got home, he gave it a try. He walked with Tammy’s hands in his up to her stuffed rabbit on the floor. They picked up the rabbit, and he walked her to the toybox. Then he let go of her hands and said to put it in. She dropped it right in front of the toybox.
I think I was six or seven years old, but I nearly burst out laughing. I’d never seen anyone be that stubborn before. I don’t remember what my parents did after that. But that was defiance.
It isn’t always that easy to tell the difference between can’t and won’t. Can’t means a child, at that moment, cannot do what they need to do. Won’t means willful disobedience. With all children we may have times where either one can be true, but it is especially important to discern with a neurodivergent child.
With a neurotypical child, we watch for feelings of overwhelm, visible stress or anxiety, and maybe fear depending on what we’re asking them to do if it is an “I can’t” situations. However, they can usually express what they are feeling and tell us they are afraid. For instance, even though they are neurotypical, they may still have fears about crossing a wobbly suspension bridge. They are not being defiant; they literally cannot make themselves cross the bridge no matter how much they may want to obey.
We can tell when our neurodiverse child is hitting a wall when they shut down, melt down, or say things that reveal how they are perceiving the situation. Their perception may not make sense to us, but it is a clue to what they are experiencing and why they cannot meet our expectation at that moment.
We can rely on three ways to help us discern if we are dealing with defiance or disability.
Listen to their words
If we take the time to hear what our child is saying, we will have a clue to what they are thinking or experiencing. Usually, this is easier with a neurotypical child; however, we gain insight into what’s going on in a child’s mind if we listen even when what they are saying makes no sense.
One autistic child refused to sit at the picnic table for lunch. He was disruptive and uncooperative as though he were in a total panic. Then, he started talking about the bugs. He was “seeing” bugs everywhere in the grass. The idea of walking on the grass to the picnic table was throwing him into a total meltdown, and he was terrified. Once I listened, I could tell he was not defiant and disruptive on purpose. He could not make himself walk on the grass. In that moment, we made a choice to let him eat on the cement slab area instead of walking to the picnic table.
One of the discipline strategies we’ve put in place in our home is that a child can ask questions or disagree respectfully when we’ve given them a directive. This has helped them be able to more clearly express when something is causing them to shut down. They can let us know what they are feeling and experiencing in their autism or ADD, and we can adjust if necessary. At times, we are able to walk them through why they need to do what they’ve been told even though it is challenging to them, and we can find ways to help them successfully do what they were told. This has been a game-changer for all concerned.
Notice their body language
Defiance often shows up in body language and expression. We need to read their body language, notice the tone in their voice, and observe their facial expressions. This is an easy way to recognize defiance over disability or a lie that is hiding the truth. Refusing to make eye contact beyond their autistic tendencies. Not even facing us or letting their shoulders droop or hanging their head. Or worse, seeing their chin point up a little and their jaw tighten and maybe even forming a fist with their hands. Those are all signs of non-compliance and defiance. With a neurotypical child, we may get more of a stare than a look away. They will often cross their arms. In a less aggressive tone, the eye roll may be a sign of disrespect and disregard for what we’ve said.
When we were first helping our children master tooth brushing with their sensory issues, we got to the point where we’d ask, “Did you brush your teeth?” My daughter, who should never play poker, did one of two things – slap herself in the forehead, and then run to go brush her teeth, or she said nothing. Her shoulders would droop, and she wouldn’t want to look us in the eye. She would pretend she didn’t hear us or would just refuse to answer. I guess it was good that she didn’t want to lie by telling us she did brush her teeth when she didn’t, but it was always her reaction when she didn’t want to do what we told her. To this day, if she doesn’t answer my question, I know she has not done what we asked. Her expression, body language, and silence all tell us the truth.
This is why as part of our discipline, we insist on eye contact. We can read so much of what our children are thinking and if they are hearing us when we get eye contact. They can also read how serious we are at the time too. We haven’t had to make the rule, but if needed, I would also insist on no crossed arms, for us as well as for them. This sets up a wall between us and adds to the tension of any moment. Dropping the arms, making eye contact, and controlling the eye rolls helps preserve respect on both parts of the conversation.
Remind them of the consequences for disobeying
Setting up consequences ahead of time is so important because everyone knows what to expect. There are no overreactions and creating punishments that are overboard. When the defiance arises, we simply remind the child the consequences for their choices. If it is the disability, usually our child will begin to explain what’s going on. Another clue that it may be disability is if they don’t react at all to the reminder. If a child is completely shut down, reminders mean nothing. Words mean nothing. They are unaffected by what is said.
If a child is being disobedient or defiant, often reminding the child of the agreement is enough to bring them out of it. If they are rebellious, we’ll know because they will tell us how they don’t care about the consequences, and they will be utterly disrespectful. If a child is at this level, we have not successfully trained and disciplined them. Or we have had too high of expectations for them. This becomes a heart and relationship issue that needs to be addressed and resolved.
Giving and expecting respect should be the foundation for all discipline. Maintaining that and maintaining direct, clear communication without emotion is vital as well. If we let ourselves become emotional, the whole situation may likely escalate into dysfunction. However, setting up the foundation and the consequences ahead of time can help alleviate that problem. But we need to do the groundwork and get everyone on the same page.
When we are living in a mixed needs family, we are dealing with a lot of ideas, emotions, and personalities that need to be addressed. Sometimes it seems like a constant barrage of putting out fires or problem-solving. But we will see success if we remain consistent and clear. If we maintain the foundations of love and respect as we are working with our children, we will see them begin to adopt self-regulation and self-discipline. But first we must be faithful to maintain it in ourselves.
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9, ESV)